“December 9th, 2011. I just got back from NY. Back with my parents, back with my mother. I cried for five minutes. Then I stopped. In a way I cried because I thought I was supposed to. That’s what one does after a break up, when your biggest dream falls apart. Some weeks before that I found myself in my apartment in New York. An apartment I wasn’t able to leave anymore. And if I did, I only managed to make it to the next deli around the corner to buy myself a bar of snickers. For a while this was my biggest achievement in my every day life. Stepping outside for a bar of snickers. My friend Viva from Germany was in town. Maybe without her I would have never been able to get on a plane back to Berlin. It was her holding my hand for 9 hours and telling me over and over again I would be fine. It was also her that called me one day, telling me to join her for a trip to Dumbo. She just bought a new camera and wanted to take some pictures of me. For three weeks I haven’t left the apartment. With every step I felt I would lose my consciousness. I never did. Deep down I wished I would have just collapsed. Walking around in Dumbo. I remember nobody was there. We sat down on a bench and I observed New York. New York won. It was November and incredibly cold. I was wearing my new fake fur vintage hat and my ex-boyfriends old trench coat. Layers over layers. I remember when she sent me the wetransfer link and I went through all of the images, I was smiling. Smiling for her, her new camera and for the world.  After I uploaded this picture, my friend Amanda commented below “so cute! how come I haven’t seen your face! are you staying here for the holidays?“. I had already left. I didn’t want anybody to know. So I put a smile on my face. For her and the rest of the world.”